Monday, November 9, 2009


A new era and a new life.
I've picked up poetry and have been writing non-stop for days.
What I've lost in weight, I've made up for in creativity.
My spark that has been gone for long is back.
Sadness still exists but it's temporary and I had zero regrets or remorse.

My chemistry resides within a glance, within words and his touch.
My heart resides there with his smile, his eyes bright and soft

I could say I'm hateful, arrogant almost with it.
But, instead I'm grateful, because it gives me the freedom to understand now my feelings.

No more put downs
No more control issues
No more manipulation of my rights and reasons
No more always being in the wrong and to stupid to see the right
No more crutch required
No more added baggage to drag
No more crying myself to sleep
No more being someones intraptment
No more wishing to die because I can't escape the realization I'm nothing significant.
No more plotting to die to make someone elses life easier since I stood in their way.
No more emotional garbage cans required
No more easily to be disposed of.
No more wishing, waiting and hoping to be excepted.
No more tossed to the side
No more abandonment.
No more just being used for a good story line,
No more living allowing someone to live vicariously through tribulations and addictions.
No more being so sad and uncomfortable with my skin that I refuse to eat
that i refuse to get out of bed
that I see myself as less than human
less than loved
No more believing I'm the bad guy .. always
No more forcing myself to make selfish love
No more wishing one day he'd wake up and see he doesn't need me to change anything.

I've been given tools, taught how to be grateful and how to show affection and how to make sure someone knows I love them. It's taken years of practice an patience. But I think I understand now.
Patience will be my downfall if anything.

My sexual needs to fill empty spaces will be sickness.

While I couldn't bring myself to be that person the positive person all the time then, I have no doubt it will never stand in my way again. I see and feel so much more.
And before me stands a future
One that there isn't as much drama
Where I'm behind the scenes but not playing the role of someone in a scene.

I saw through it, the lies, the projection and the fact I was an nothing more than an option. A long option to hate upon, to cheat on and to dislike. I was a verbal and emotional punching bag.

Now, I'm part freedom / part another's future.
No Good luck required, because I have all that matters and my eyes are set upon the one thing I wanted the most.